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I Wanna says:
hey um... message me when you get done with the dp i guess...

mark says:
im done
been done

I Wanna says:
oh... ^_^'
so, overall um... how have you been?

mark says:
overall i suppose i'll live

I Wanna says:
lol good or bad or just meh?
anyways from an outside perspective you seem to be handling things... pretty well
you there?

mark says:
kinda

I Wanna says:
?
how are you kinda here?

mark says:
bc im not paying attention to the comp

I Wanna says:
?
babysitting still?

mark says:
no just not paying attention bc i dont wanna be on my comp

I Wanna says:
oh.... okay then, i guess it can wait for another time ^_^ have a nice nite i guess....

mark says:
no bri
its not bc of u
just talk and stop taking everything i say so personally

I Wanna says:
no i mean i was just um.. wanting to talk about something but if you'd rather not be at the comp well... ^_^'
i am not taking it personally!

mark says:
bleh srry i didnt mean to sound so mean
im jsut obviously not thinking b4 i talk

I Wanna says:
its fine
and its okay, i know they pissed you off earlier over stupid crap and i understand
besides... that's how it is with friends...

mark says:
yeah but i shouldnt be so irritable
its not like me

I Wanna says:
everyone has their days
besides, its not like i expect you to treat me other than a friend...
i hope your nite gets better for you
cuz it seems im not really that imortant.. wit lemme rephrase that... all i seem to be doing is bringin you back to the comp when you dont wanna be so ya... srry i guess =/

mark says:
bri its ok its not ur fault and i keep coming back for you bc u matter to me
i just cant handle thinking right now
therefore i choose not to think

I Wanna says:
which would mean its a bad thing for me to keep talking cuz wat i wanna talk about/ask you about would prolly mean thinking and since you dont wanna do that....

mark says:
if it will helpu just ask...jsut be aware that im extremely likely to be brutally honest at the moment

I Wanna says:
brutally honest? i guess i would like that...
well, i suppose.... okay well, first i guess i want to know how you're getting with the whole "just friends" thing. i mean i know how it is with my but uh... you keep kinda quiet about it i guess and it'll actually help me with a few things but you dont have to answer if you dont want to cuz its one of those stupid questions of mine that i prolly shouldnt ask or something....

mark says:
the answer is im getting used to it...and im starting to be ok with it as more time passes...and as more time passes im able to keep a clear head and not worry about "her" either...my issues at the moment have more to do with the mundaneness of everyday life

I Wanna says:
getting used to it as in....?

mark says:
as in im ok with it for now
and dont see it changing soon...i know that hurts...but id rather just be honest

I Wanna says:
im glad you are, and i figured as much....
ive been... well, trying to help you with it, such as trying not to talk to you as much or just wait for you to start chats no matter how much i want to talk to you.... and sometimes it feels.... idk... are you like, tired of anything i say? cuz i wanna stop saying it if its bugging you ya know.....
basically, is there anything ive been doing that i should really stop doing?
haha.... my sis just asked me if something was worng.... thats funny....
wrong*
and you're not even there.... why does this happen so freakin often?
i hate this... i hate this so much.... i sit here just barely keeping control, trying to make everything easier for you now matter how much its hurting me. and i watch you become okay with the whole "just friends" thing while im still breaking and hoping
i dont know wat im doing anymore... the only thing im sure about is that i want you to be happy... i just cant seem to stop hurting. and now im being pathetic and crying because my emotions have been caged up so much and so often cuz i didnt want them to interfere while i was helping you, cuz you are my top priority.
ive tried to stop liking you, tried to stop thinking about you. ive even tried hating you, cuz its easier to hate than to love. but i cant bring myself to hate you. and at times i wish i could, because then i wouldnt be so fragile when it comes to you.
and, me being pathetic me, is sitting here hoping that maybe you'll reply back but i know you're asleep, its been an hour since you last said anything. and all ive done is curled up in bed and cried and tried to stop crying. in a way i guess im thankful you are asleep cuz you dont know wats happening and how things are for me
i drew a picture this summer, very symbolic for me. its of a heart with five different locks on it, and the locks are so tights it's bleeding. each lock represents a different part of me, of my being. somehow, i dont know how, you've managed to unlock all of them without my realizing. you even unlocked the last and most important one, the one to my heart itself...
without you realizing, you've basically gotten control of my in almost every way i can think of, that you can think of. you hold the power to completely destroy me, whether you believe it or not.
im sorry
im sorry im telling you all this. im sorry i cant seem to change. im sorry if this makes you feel bad, because i really dont want it to. im sorry i couldnt be like you and just be okay with the "friends only" aspec of this.
im.... im also sorry for wat i am abot to do too. i love you and it hurts to love you but... i cant think of anything else i can do other than this. i know you prolly
dont like me saying i love you or that kind of stuff, but i seem to enjoy too much when you tell me you love me. you're doing so much more better than me it isnt even fair. and all i can seem to do is complain and cry cuz its 12:45am and ive been holding things back for weeks
id been nursing the hope, even if it is stupid (while nursing it i told myself it was stupid) that you know...... maybe.... maybe i would get to have you, if i just waited patiently and stayed here for you. i wanted you to be happy but i also wanted you to be happy with me.i never fought for a guy, guys tend to do their own squabble and somehow i get involved. but i want nothing more than to fight
for you. i want to be with you so badly. even tho i understand your reasons why you cant/shouldnt be with me, but i still want you. but i cant fight for you.... i promised you over a month ago that i would let you think and not push it.

mark says (11:40 PM):
or maybe he does but he cant
bc i have an amazing girl who likes me and keeps putting herself and her feelings on the line and I do like her but im just too scared right now that its not ok bc of age difference and how little i really know her despite the fact that im pretty good at figuring her out and I just need time to sort it all out and i really dont want
her to get her hopes up in case i come to a conclusion she
doesnt like but i didnt know how to tell her that
and now i kinda did

Zankoku Na Tenshi No Te-Ze says:
well, i think personally she'd be okay with any decision you made. i mean, she has gone through a lot of stuff in her life before, right? ya, she might be hurt a bit for a while but she'd put on her usual face so no one else knew how up
et she would be (depends how it went) but overall she'd still want to be friends with you, ya know? i mean, you arent always gonna get the person you want and
perhaps she has come to accept that, wondering wat will happen next now that you know. ya know?

mark says:
yeah i do know exactly how she feels and thats why im going way further out of my comfort zone than u think to explain to her that i do like her but i honestly dont think it would be fair to her in my current emotional state bc i could unintentionally use her to get over some stuff im dealing with and i couldnt forgive myself for that but i also dont want her just wearing a face
she deserves to be
happy and i wish i could make her happy instead of being the source of so much torment and happiness simeltaneously
but i honestly, at least for now, i just cant and part of it has to do with what i was telling you earlier i would talk about another time
i have a couple long storiesthat might would help her understand why the age thing matters so much bc i know its silly and
and stupid its only a few years and in the long run they dont matterbut until they reach the point of not mattering they doand like i said thats confusing and i know it but it recquires knowledge of a couple other stories
which im just not gonna be ok right now if i tell them
:/

Zankoku Na Tenshi No Te-Ze says:
but she could point out the fact that you're both in different states, so there really wouldnt be much of a problem with the whole age thing considering the distance. not to mention one of her ex's was 20 (net thing) and she has her own story from this past summer as to why she doesnt care much about the age thing and how much she hates it, and why the distance in
a way would be a bit of
protection

mark says:
let him think about it? and it might take him a while to make a decision k? but keep trying to be normal around himkinda like this didnt happen if u can? hehe

Zankoku Na Tenshi No Te-Ze says:
lol of course she'd let him think, she wouldnt want him to do something he didnt want to do, ya know? she's be a bit happy to know tho that her small hope that you actually did like her too
she was nursing the hope of course but, she never thought it would ever come to be, considering all the things you've gone thru and that ex of yours

mark says:
wellim still saying that for now it probably wont and if it does it will be a whilebut yes i do like you and if anything that should give you confidence to know that you really are amazing and there really is a guy out there for u
even if he isnt me


i.... i told you id let you think about it, even tho i had the bad feeling that you would come to the decision that i didnt like. but i let it happen cuz you are involved and i want you to be happy...
and for now well...... for now im gonna try to dissapear. as long as im on the "friend only" list it shouldnt hurt you very badly, if at all. im just mostly confused and hurt and im not sure wat to do now.....
i love you mark. i love you so, so, so freakin much. i wish i could explain it to you, i wish i had a stronger word than "love" to use because of how deep it is.... i cant ask you to love me back the same because of how things are for you but... idk. i know you care about me but i still..... good bye mark.




so ya.... thats the basis of my life right now... "mark" (name change haha!) fell asleep (as per usual) about 11:45ish and i stayed up until like 2 or 3 trying to deal with myself... not doing so well... X_x